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Getting Women’s Phone Numbers Isn’t as Scary or Difficult as You’re Making it
Getting her phone number should be quick, simple, and effortless – not some stressful experience that makes or breaks your day. You’re not asking a CEO for a job or a big-time celebrity for an autograph and hoping you don’t get turned down. You’re simply asking another human being if she’d like to keep in contact. It’s no more complex than that. What’s the worst that can happen? She can either agree and go along with it or she can tell you “no”. To add onto it, she can tell you “yes” and then ghost you. It happens to every single guy at one point or another even if she seems really into you and it’s a home run. Exactly what to do when she doesn’t answer, reply, or call or text back is a whole different topic.
5 important things to pay attention to when getting her phone number:
- Your mindset
- Your composure
- Your body language
- Your eye contact
- Your voice tone
You don’t have to be perfect to get phone numbers, but you have to at least have a good idea of what you’re doing. The more phone numbers you get, the better you’ll become at these things and the more successful you’ll become without even thinking about it.
1. Don’t Ask for Her Social Media Handles
It’s easier to ask for social media handles because it seems like a bigger opportunity for success – it feels safer, less personal, and you can get more information about her. From experience, it doesn’t work well and it automatically places you outside of her personal circle, which is where you don’t want to be. The purpose of getting her phone number is to be on the inside, have close access to her, and build upon it. You don’t want to have to work your way in and then try to get close. It’s a losing battle. Don’t start off the friendship and relationship from a losing position. Start off with home-field advantage and a better chance of success.
Also, you’re eventually going to wind up on the phone with her anyways at one point or another if the relationship progresses so just getting her phone number instead of social media helps you skip the unnecessary steps. Never try using the social media route to be sneaky or because you’re scared and you want to minimize the risk of rejection. You don’t succeed with women by being a scared wuss about everything and not taking risks.
2. Don’t Lie, Deceive, Manipulate, or Disguise Your Intentions to Get Her Phone Number
One of the wussiest and most manipulative and deceitful things you can do is to get her phone number to contact her for “something else” and then try weaseling your way into her life. It’s weird and rarely works unless you know for sure she’s into you. And even if she’s into you, in the back of her mind, she’s aware of what you’re doing. I’ve seen this happen A LOT. Especially when it’s salesmen who think she’s hot but are too afraid to be direct. Women I’ve dated had it happen a lot. A salesman or rep took her contact information to “reach out” and then, predictably, disguised his first few texts by talking about the product or service or to thank her for coming into the store. Before you know it, he was fishing for information, communicating on a personal level, asking if she’s single, and inviting her out.
Women know this trick and see it coming. Just like Farmer’s Insurance “she knows a thing or two because she’s seen a thing or two.” Also, never, under any circumstance, get her phone number off social media, the corporate directory, or from a friend and then blindside her with calls or texts.
If you’re interested and want to get to know her, just locate your balls and be up front. Being forward about it makes it 10x easier.
3. Mindset – “I’m OK with Whatever Happens”
This applies to getting her phone number AND every second of the interaction with her. “I’m OK with whatever happens” means you’re going to put your best foot forward, do what you know is right and effective, and if it works out, great. If it doesn’t, oh well. You’ll be fine.
If you’re closed-minded to the outcome and go in with the mindset of “this is guaranteed to work” or “this has to work or else she’s a dumb bitch”, you’re increasing your chances disappointment. It’s a really dumb and ineffective mindset to have around anyone.
A better mindset, the one I use is, “if this works out, cool. If not, that’s fine too.” Your interactions with women go so much better when you understand and accept that not everything always happens the way you want it to happen. Your interactions with women and others will feel better and turn out better if you remain open-minded to the possibility that things can go your way, sideways, or no way. If you’re open-minded and prepared for it, it won’t be such a problem when it happens. Humble yourself, make it a real possibility in your mind, and you won’t freak out as much when anything unexpected happens.
Throwing all of your eggs into one basket on anything is never smart unless you have inside information about the person or situation – which most of the time you don’t know squat about the woman in front of you. Talking to women and getting phone numbers is NEVER a sure bet! You’re only making yourself look and feel stupid when it doesn’t go the way you imagined.
If I catch myself believing things definitely will go really well, I stop myself and cut off that train of thought. Thinking like that only sets me up for major disappointment. EVEN IF it seems like a sure bet, I remain open-minded because “you never know”.
The best way to become more open-minded about these types of situations is to develop a great relationship with yourself. Become better friends with yourself. At the end of the day, if you have a great relationship with yourself and understand the value you bring to the table, you won’t feel like you’re losing anything if she rejects you and you don’t get what you want. She didn’t take value away from you. Women LOVE this mindset and wish more men had it. The minute they see you don’t need them, they want you 10X more.
4. Mindset – “It’s Not That Big of a Deal”
One of the biggest secrets to getting phone numbers easier is not to make it a major event in your mind. It’s just an event nearly as simple as asking the girl behind the counter for more ketchup packets. If you’re still thinking about it 6 hours later and it consumes you, you don’t have enough happening in your life. Become a busier and a more interesting person who doesn’t ponder on miniscule events. Set more goals up for yourself that take more of your attention off of mediocre circumstances.
The minute the idea of getting her phone number pops into my mind while talking to her, I tell myself, “Not a big deal. Just get it and move on”. It’s automatic.
Getting her number is the easy part. Following up with her is where it can get tricky and require a more strategic plan of action.
So when you’re about to go for it, just remind yourself, “It’s not that big of a deal. We’re only exchanging contact info.”
5. Composure – Not Nervous, Anxious, or Emotional
Unless you have extreme self-awareness and self-control, whatever is happening in your mind automatically transfers to your body and it’s nearly impossible to hide. That’s why the correct mindset going into the interaction and getting her phone number is vital. If you’re not relaxed and composed, it might make her feel something is “off” about you and she’ll think twice about giving you her phone number.
The same goes for your emotional state. If you’re overly excited and thinking, “OMG she’s the one! I can’t believe this is happening!” instead of being in a relaxed and objective state of mind, you’re less likely to get her phone number and follow up with her. Emotions get in the way, cloud your judgement, and cause you to make mistakes. Turn the emotions off and relax.
No matter how you’re feeling, play it cool, but not too cool. Too cool makes you seem cocky or arrogant and she’ll think you’re being fake or a player. Just avoid being visibly shaken up by the interaction and the thought of asking for her phone number.
A personal goal of mine, every single day, from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, is to remain composed and in control of myself no matter what. Something that helps me to remain composed is taking deep breaths all of the time. I can be mid-sentence and I will take a deep breath to slow myself down because I can get real squirrely and hyper if I’m not paying attention to my composure. I don’t close my eyes and breathe out of my mouth like some Zen Yoga person. I just breathe deeply in and out of my nose and allow my chest to fill with air and become empty. Pay attention to someone like Elon Musk when he answers questions and speaks. He’s completely relaxed, he takes his time, and he takes deep breaths before speaking or mid-sentence. Practice this. It works miracles.
The more you can slow down, breathe, and relax when interacting with women, the more of their attention you’ll have, the more in control you’ll be of yourself, and the more likely she is to give you her number.
The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed she’ll be.
6. Body Language – Be Aware of What it Communicates
A lack of awareness of how you’re standing, sitting, and so on, creates a lack of awareness of why she didn’t give you her phone number.
When I’m interacting with women:
- I stand or sit pretty still. The more fidgety you are, the less in control of yourself it makes you look. Keeping your body still but moving your hands and head a little bit gives you the appearance of power, strength, and control. Big turn-on for women.
- If I’m standing, I stand up straight. Not too straight because then it looks like I’m consciously trying too hard. I keep my back straight and relaxed. I don’t sway back and forth or shift my weight from my heels to my tippy-toes. I’m planted into the ground but my legs are relaxed. Never lock or stiffen your legs.
- Feet apart but not too far apart. Too far apart takes her attention away from you. Take up space with your feet but don’t be weird about it. Taking up space is attractive and communicates you’re a dominant person.
- Hands in pockets is OK if you’re relaxed, making good eye contact, and engaged BUT bad if you’re tense, making poor eye contact, and nervous.
- I don’t do too much with my hands because too much hand movement is distracting, indicates you’re overthinking, or you’re trying too hard to seem smart of sophisticated. It can look pretty lame, silly, and douchy.
- I don’t cross my arms because it’s uncomfortable, defensive, and uninterested body language. I leave my hands at my sides or in my pockets. Looks totally fine if you’re standing up straight and keeping your back straight.
- I lean AWAY from her just a little bit. It exposes more of my hips and crotch area and doesn’t make it seem like I’m too interested in her. Think about high-status men and bad boys – they’re not pulling their hips away from people, their hips are open and exposed. It’s a dominant posture that communicates you’re unafraid. I only lean in when saying something funny and I want to make better eye contact or I’m saying something important that requires more of her attention. Leaning in too much indicates way too much interest and you don’t want her thinking she owns you.
- If sitting, if my legs are crossed, which is pretty much never but you might be a guy who crosses his legs, nothing wrong with that if you’re a pretty masculine dude, I lean AWAY and sit still. If my legs are uncrossed, like they usually are, I separate my knees and take up space. Not like I’m giving birth or I’m a chick non-verbally inviting dudes to bang me, but just enough to look masculine and comfortable. I might prop my arms up on some chairs to take up, even more, space. Who looks like they’re more in control? The guy sitting with his knees together like he’s afraid or the guy with his knees apart and looks like he owns the place? Exactly. Women notice the same thing.
The more you improve your body language, the more likely women are to give you their phone number.
7. Eye Contact – You Can’t Hide Anything from Her
When you mention exchanging numbers, don’t stare her down with that deer in the headlights look waiting for a response or stare into her eyes to try and figure out what she’s thinking. Just relax and be cool. Let her see, in your eyes, that asking for her number isn’t an act of desperation. That you have more irons in the fire and rejection won’t ruin your day. You’re interested in getting her number, but you don’t NEED it. If she senses your self-worth and value is riding on getting her number, it’ll send the wrong message. Women LOVE AND WANT men who don’t need them. They obsess over guy who doesn’t need them more than the guy who can’t live without them.
Look as casual as if you’re asking someone for a bottle of water. Forget about looking between her eyes or looking at her nose or anything weird. Look at her like you’re talking to your sister or the cool, but less-attractive, female co-worker you would never think about touching. Overdoing the eye contact looks like you give too much of a shit. On the other hand, too little eye contact looks like you’re afraid of her. Women want to look into your eyes and see that you’re sure of yourself and that you’re sure you’re good enough for her – which is a lead into my next point.
Just like composure, your eyes give away your mindset. She sees what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling. That’s why it’s important to have the correct mindset going into this. With the correct mindset, the rest usually takes care of itself. If she sees doubt or fear in your eyes, she processes that information, starts thinking, and begins to figure out ways to let you down without seeming like a bitch. The second she’s no longer in the moment and she starts thinking, you’re in trouble. She wants a man who’s sure, not a man who’s afraid. If she sees one sliver of insecurity or doubt, your chances of getting her phone number drop.
When getting a phone number, I’m pretty sure she’s going to give it to me but I’m also pretty sure that if she says no, I’ll be fine. I don’t feel too strongly one way or the other about it. I’m sure about what I’m doing and sure I’d like to talk to her more and hang out with her. There is no insecurity or doubt because if she doesn’t give me her phone number, I’m not going to really care that much.
8. Voice Tone – Sound Sure of Yourself
When you know what you’re talking about and the person you’re talking to poses no threat to you, how do you sound? What does your voice sound like? How do you speak? It’s probably calm and relaxed because you’re not worried about what the other person thinks. How do you sound and speak when you’re totally relaxed and not worried about anything? Probably the same. Use that voice tone when talking to women and getting phone numbers.
The more relaxed and confident you are, the more effective your voice tone is. The calm and confident voice tone of a man who’s sure of what he’s doing is 10X more effective than the soft, girly, high-strung, excited, and “fun” tone. You wanna be the fun guy who gets attention because you’re a little bit insecure? Great. Just don’t sound like it. Your voice shouldn’t be high-pitched, you shouldn’t be yelling, and you definitely shouldn’t lean backwards and laugh at the sky while saying, “Me too! Oh my God! So awesome! High five!” JUST. FREAKIN’. RELAX. You don’t need to speak as softly as Bruce Willis or as loud as Chris Tucker. Just somewhere in-between where you sound like a normal and relaxed guy who’s sure of himself.
As with everything else, voice tone is an indicator of your state of mind. You want to appear in control of yourself no matter what is happening and not the guy who is easily rattled and flips out over little events. Your voice communicates strength or weakness. A strong, confident, and consistent voice tone will never lead you astray.
Don’t soften your voice to sound nicer. Don’t raise your pitch to sound safer. Just relax, chill out, and speak as if you’re ordering a cheeseburger and it’s not a huge deal.
Again, the more relaxed you are, the more relaxed she’ll be.
9. Avoid “Asking” for Her Phone Number
“Asking” for her phone number, as in, “Can I have your phone number?”, in my opinion, is the riskiest way to get it. Although the right voice tone, eye contact, body language, composure, and mindset increase your chances of success when you ask, it’s still riskier than the other methods and options.
Asking a yes or no question leaves the door wide open for rejection and provides too easy of an out for her. On top of that, “asking” is the most common way guys try to get her phone number so she’s immune to it and has built up a knee-jerk reaction or “response” to it. She’s seen it and heard it so many times that she’s numb to it. She can even sense it about to happen before you even ask because she’s become so good at recognizing the behavior patterns!
The type of men women are more attracted to don’t seek permission and validation. They tell people what they want instead of asking if it’s “OK” to do or have anything. They say, “Here’s what I want. Either you’re good with it or not but I’m not going to place myself below you to get it.” It’s in a self-assured and confident manner. A simple example of this is holding a woman’s hand or kissing her. Personally, I never ask. I just do it and go with the flow. If I grab her hand and she asks what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Holding your hand.” If I kiss her out of nowhere and she asks, “Oh we’re doing this now?” I’ll say, “Yup.” Or if she asks what that was for I’ll say, “Because I wanted to.” There’s no asking permission or getting validation. Asking makes things weird and uncomfortable. Let me just add in here, if it’s obvious you’re crossing a line or she makes it apparent she doesn’t want you touching her, then stop, pull back, and be cool. In no way do I ever take advantage or women or do anything against their will.
Women value, admire, and follow strong leadership. They want you to lead and know what you want, what you’re doing, where you’re going, and how you’re going to get there. The more questions you can remove from the equation, the more confidence and trust they have in you.
“Asking” for her phone number can give the impression that you’re not sure of your personal value. That you don’t see yourself as equal to her and it’s possible you think she’s a little better than you. Not what she wants. She wants you to be self-assured and confident about it so she can feel good about it.
10. Tell Her to Give You Her Phone Number
Instead of asking for her phone number, it’s faster, easier, and more effective to casually command her to give you her number. Not in a controlling, demanding, or sketchy way but in a confident way that communicates, “It’s OK. This is totally normal.” In a way that still gives her the option to say “no” and doesn’t make her feel pressured. Pressure makes her retreat and disconnect. Not what you want.
Think of the way a big-time and busy CEO handles wanting to learn more about a business idea, product, proposition, or a person but it has to happen at a later time. He simply says. “Let me get your contact info and I’ll get back with you.” He doesn’t overthink it. He doesn’t “ask” the person if it’s OK to follow up with them. He has no doubt he will be in touch with that person so he, without thinking about it, tells them to give him their contact information. Think about how little effort that takes. That should be the same amount of energy it takes to for you to tell that beautiful woman in front of you to give you her number. Turn your brain off and just do it. Keep it short. Keep it objective. Remove all emotion from it.
- “Hey Sara, nice meeting you and talking to you. Let me get your number and we’ll stay in touch.”
- “Hey Michelle. Sorry to cut this short but I have to get going. Give me your number and let’s continue this later on tonight or tomorrow.”
When she’s not expecting you to request her phone number by telling her to give it to you, you’re more likely to get it. It’s called a pattern interrupt. You’re interrupting the pattern she’s used to of other men “asking” for her number. Telling her to give it to you catches her off guard and she doesn’t have a knee-jerk response to it because it’s rare than men are this forward with her. Even if she’s caught off guard, if she still says “no”, she’s probably just not that into you or you didn’t do a good enough job stirring up emotions. In my eBook and Audiobook How Attracting Women Really Works: 2nd Edition, you’ll learn exactly how to stir up emotions and use them to build rapid attraction.
Commands communicate you know what you’re doing and you’re comfortable being in charge and taking the lead. Commands tell her you’re not afraid to go for what you want. They don’t freak her out or make her run away. She’s not going to yell at you and say, “Don’t tell me what to do!”
11. Just say “What’s Your Number?”
When it’s obvious the interaction is going well, instead of asking for her phone number or instructing her to give it to you, just pull out your phone and say,
- “Hey, real quick. Let me get your number.”
- “Hey, real quick, what’s your number?”
Type it in, call her phone, and ask her what name she wants you to save it as. Don’t explain yourself. Don’t ask for permission. When she gives it to you, continue the conversation as if nothing happened. It works.
Make it sound more like a statement rather than a question and like you’re instructing her to give it to you. How to do you sound when you ask someone to reach over and hand you something? Pretty much like it’s no big deal, right? Sound like that. Your voice tone should reflect that you’re 100% sure she’s going to give it to you. The more “whatever”, casual, and nonchalant you are about it, the less she’ll think about it and the faster she’ll give it to you.
12. Give Her YOUR Phone Number
This one takes bigger balls but it’s my favorite because it lets me know whether or not I’m wasting my time. If you hate wasting your time and energy on people who aren’t into you as much as you’re into them, then this will work for you.
Giving her your phone number instead of asking for it or telling her to give you hers communicates you’re self-confident and unafraid of rejection. That you have faith in her following up with you. It also means you’re taking all of the risk, communicating you’re the prize, and aware that she may not call if she doesn’t feel like it. Women are impressed by that amount of courage.
Giving her YOUR phone number sends all of the right messages. It communicates:
- You’re not needy
- You’re unafraid of rejection
- A high sense of self-worth and value
- A healthy relationship with yourself
With this method, your mindset should be, “If she doesn’t call, no big deal. It means she probably wasn’t’ that into me and I would’ve been wasting my time anyways.”
Giving her your phone number instead of getting hers saves you time, energy, and effort. If she doesn’t call, you’re not wasting time trying to reach out to women who aren’t interested.
Ways to do it:
- “Sorry to cut you short but I gotta run. Take my number and let’s chat later.”
- “Hey, I gotta go. Let me put my number in your phone and you can text or call me later if you want.” “If you want” communicates you’re not pressuring her and you’re not desperate.
- “Hey, where’s your phone? Put my number in it so we can keep in touch.”
Important to remember:
- Don’t ASK if she wants to take your number.
- Don’t ask for permission to give her your number. Just give it to her.
- Don’t write your name and number down unless it’s absolutely necessary.
- Don’t call your phone from hers unless she knows you’re doing it.
- Don’t write your name and number down and drop it on her desk or hand it to her as you pass by. You’re not in middle school anymore. She’ll be like, “Who does that?” It’s out of style.
If she refuses, which rarely happens:
- Be cool and indifferent.
- Don’t get upset.
- Walk away like it never happened. Do not look back.
When you give her your number, it’s very common for her to say, “OK. I’ll call you so you can get mine as well.” Don’t be surprised by it.
13. Say “Let’s Exchange Numbers”
I love this method as well because, if executed properly, it’s very emotionally detached and doesn’t make her feel uncomfortable. If you’re a little too excited about it and smiling and being weird and cheesy, it won’t work. Like everything else, be relaxed, casual, and nonchalant. Like it’s no big deal.
When you’re about to leave or you’re saying bye, casually say, “Hey, before I go, let’s exchange numbers”. Don’t explain yourself. Don’t say “If it’s OK with you…” Just say it and wait for a response.
14. Say “Text Me”
If you prefer texting over talking, then say, “Gotta run. Text me”. If she has half a brain she’s going to probably ask for your number.
There must be no doubt in your mind that she’ll text you and you can’t say it in the form of a question. It’ll sound like you’re unsure or seeking permission. Say it as if you’re telling a family member or friend to text you. Like it’s no big deal. If she’s taking too long, tell her, “Here. What’s your number? I’ll send you a text.”
As soon as you get it, walk away and send a text that says, “It’s _____. Save my number.” If you want to be funny and make her laugh, tell her to “Save it under ‘Awesome dude I just met’ or ‘Man of my dreams'” but only if you’re an actual funny guy. If you struggle to be funny, don’t do it.
15. Know When to Stop and Walk Away
At the end of the day, you don’t want to be involved with women who lie and manipulate people. If they’re willing to lie and bullshit you to your face when they don’t even know you, you probably don’t want to be in a relationship with them. Their weak integrity and lack of respect for others is already evident.
Personally, the minute I detect fakeness or bullshit, I’m done. It’s an indicator of a crack in the structure. I refuse to waste my time on impolite, poorly behaved, and disrespectful women. If she doesn’t see you as valuable or worth her time, that’s fine, just don’t waste your time lowering your status and trying to prove yourself to someone who doesn’t want you. Let it go. There is no shortage of women that are better for you.
Bullshit excuses women make when you ask for their number:
- “I’d love to but I don’t have a phone.”
- “My phone broke. Sorry.”
- “Let me have yours instead.”
- “I would but I’m moving. Sorry!”
If it sounds like she’s bullshitting you or she’s playing games, just say, “OK” and WALK AWAY. Don’t take it personally. Don’t waste your time writing your number down for her and crossing your fingers hoping that she calls. She won’t. Never do anything out of desperation.
As you’ll learn in How to Quit Being a Loser With Women, many women are excuse experts when it comes to getting men they aren’t interested in to go away.
If you suspect she’s making up excuses, lying, or blowing you off, just move on. Don’t attach your pride and ego to it. Don’t take it personally.
Thanks for reading,
– Marc Summers