how to get out of the friend zone rules to follow

How to Get Out of The Friend Zone – 10 Smart Rules to Follow

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The Friend Zone Means You Messed Up BIG TIME

My teenage years and half of my twenties were spent in the friend zone, feeling lame, and not knowing how to fix it. I’d be obsessed with girls, sneakily become “close” friends with them, and then hope the friendship would turn into a relationship on its own.

Once I realized that approach didn’t work and I had to figure out how to out of the friend zone, I tried one thing after another with no success:

  • I waited for the perfect time to tell her I liked her as more than a friend
  • I asked others their opinion to see what I should say and how to say it
  • I bought flowers and gifts and wrote thoughtful notes
  • I did everything I could to show her how invested I was
  • I believed the nicer I was, the more I agreed with her, the more I kissed her ass, and the more available I was, the more she would like me, recognize my genuine interest, and want to be in a romantic relationship with me.

WRONG. Seems like the same mistakes we ALL make, right? None of it ever worked and I spent years and years looking in the mirror and thinking women didn’t like me because they weren’t physically attracted to me or I didn’t have the external things they were looking for.

Once I learned what actually attracts women and what causes them develop actual feelings for you, I realized how wrong these mindsets and behaviors were, how they made me look, and how they made women feel. Hint: it’s not how they WANT to feel.

I didn’t end up in the friend zone because:

  • I wasn’t attractive enough
  • I wasn’t tall enough
  • I didn’t wear the right clothes
  • I didn’t have enough money
  • I didn’t have the right car
  • Women didn’t appreciate me as a nice and great guy
  • They were the wrong women
  • The women were bitches
  • The women only liked jerks and bad boys

I ended up in the friend zone because of MY MINDSET AND BEHAVIOR. I didn’t understand women, how they think, how they respond, what they like and don’t like, or how my mindset and behavior made them want to run away instead of date me.

The Friend Zone Means Your Mindset and Behavior are Ineffective

Instead of thinking she’s an asshole, she doesn’t recognize a “good guy”, or your looks, clothes, style, car, or the amount of money you have are the reasons you’re in the friend zone, think about how you think and behave around her.

  • Are you behaving like a wimpy and needy little bitch?
  • Are you kissing her ass?
  • Are you saying “yes” to everything?
  • Are you doing whatever she wants whenever she wants?
  • Are you putting her before everything you want and need just to keep her happy?
  • Are you changing your own thinking, behavior and personality to match what you believe she’s looking for?


Most of the time, that’s what happens when you end up in the friend zone. You unintentionally sacrifice your balls, individuality, wants, needs, and happiness for the chance that maybe she’ll like you as more than a friend and give you one “pee pee touch”. DUMB THING TO DO. Altering yourself to get approval makes you less attractive and less respectable.

Pay attention to the guys she’s giving her attention to:

  • They’re more of a jerk than you are.
  • They don’t do everything she wants.
  • They have their own personality.
  • They don’t alter who they are to make her happy.
  • They tell her “no” and don’t always let her have control.
  • They don’t coddle her feelings and over apologize if they think she’s upset.


You know what else is different? They’re not in the friend zone! They THINK AND BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU DO!

  • They don’t have more money than you
  • They don’t dress better
  • Most of the time, they’re not better looking

But, they’re thinking in a way and doing things that make her feel attraction – which is what actually get’s her attention.

Women Don’t Friend Zone You: You Friend Zone Yourself

“It’s not you, it’s me.” Lies.

When this nonsense comes out of her mouth, IT ACTUALLY IS YOU. Don’t believe a word of it. Even if she says you’re a “great guy” and “any girl would be lucky to have you”, she’s just bullshitting you to protect your feelings and so you don’t think she’s a terrible person. All women actually want a great guy so, if you actually are a great guy, why aren’t you great enough for her? Ever think about that? If any women is lucky to have you, why wouldn’t she jump at her lucky opportunity? Even if she had no legs she would jump at that opportunity!

When she says “it’s not you, it’s me”, she knows EXACTLY what she’s saying and she believes you’re dumb enough to believe it – which most of the time you are. Instead of being completely direct and honest, she manipulates you and creates a smoke screen by paying you false compliments and slipping away under the radar while you’re frozen in disbelief and self-admiration.

The next time you’re pouting and crying to your friends and family about how she’s mean and unfair because you’re in the friend zone and she won’t give you a chance or recognize how great of a guy you are, just remember this one thing – you PUT YOURSELF in that friend zone. That invisible and impenetrable boundary that protects her sweet vagina from you is a product of your mindset and behavior. IT’S YOUR FAULT. You’re not a victim of her “ruthlessness” and it’s not some game she’s playing.

Women don’t consciously or logically decide to friend zone you or create an invisible boundary to protect themselves from you. You create the boundary and put yourself in the friend zone when your mindset and behavior doesn’t make her feel enough attraction to be romantically involved with you. She either feels repulsed, a lack of attraction, or both. When she says, “I don’t think we have anything in common” or “We should be friends”, she’s saying, “You’re not making me feel enough attraction.” Think about it. Women are all about love and romance and fairy tales and happy endings – sometimes, even the dirty happy endings. Deep down, they WANT you to be attractive. They WANT to fall for you and be in love with you. They WANT you to be the perfect guy for them. The last thing they want is for you to be lame and boring and they have to figure out how to date other less lame and boring guys without you being totally upset about it.

You Can’t Talk Your Way Out of The Friend Zone

Thinking you can talk your way out of the friend zone, convince her of what a great guy you are and why you’re better than the “jerks” she likes, and what a big mistake she’s making by only seeing you as a friend won’t work to make her feel more attraction for you. Women don’t respond to “talk” and logic the way you want them to because most are guided by their emotions. It goes in one ear and out of the other. You can’t pick an emotional lock with logic. It doesn’t work. She only has feelings for you as a friend for emotional reasons and a logical approach doesn’t change her mind about it or fix the problem.

You know what changes her mind?

  • When she sees you change
  • When she sees your mindset and behavior change
  • When she sees a definite nice and weak guy behavior pattern interrupt

The interruption of the pattern she’s used to seeing hits her on a logical level at first and then, the more she thinks about it, the more emotional it becomes and she begins to “feel” it. It changes how she “feels” about you. It interrupts the pattern of how she’s used to feeling about you.

You’re not trying to change the way she “thinks” about you. You’re shooting to change her “feelings” towards you. Two very different things.

Words rarely change women’s minds. Your mindset and behavior got you into this mess and only your mindset and behavior will get out of it.

Let’s say it’s possible she really does “think” you’re a great guy and she’s not bullshitting you about it. No matter how great she “thinks” you really are, if she’s not “feeling” it, then what is your “greatness” and “niceness” worth? Nothing!

When women actually “feel” you’re a great guy:

  • They rip their clothes off and spider monkey you
  • They don’t distance themselves from you
  • They reach out to you and keep in touch with you
  • They actually answer their phone and text you back without making you wait
  • They become physical and affectionate
  • They SHOW it with action instead of falling back on words

When she’s all talk and no action, you’re in the friend zone or heading there. Always remember – when she’s being very logical and saying the right things but not backing it up with action, she’s bullshitting you on one level or another. You’re not making her “feel” enough attraction. When she’s actually feeling attraction, you’ll see more action than talk.

The Friend Zone Means You’re BEING Unattractive

Women MUST feel attraction if they’re going to see you and want you as more than a friend. If they’re going to invest their time and energy into you, there has to be something pulling them in your direction and keeping them there. They can’t motivate themselves to like you. The power pulling them to you has to come from an external source. It has to come from YOU. There has to be something you’re DOING, not only saying, that’s sparking, creating, and building the attraction she desperately wants to feel. I mean, women curl up in bed and read romantic novels just so they can feel that rush of emotion and attraction they aren’t getting from other men! Think about that. They have a secret addiction to that emotional fix.

When that magical attraction element is missing from the equation, women don’t decide “Well I’m going to be his girlfriend and marry him anyways because he’s nice and he really likes me a lot.” It doesn’t work that way! How many times have you expected a girl to like you back because you like her more than any other guy does? You know you’ve done it! You know you’ve seen it. All of us have done it or, at least, thought about it at one point or another!

Let’s say she thinks you’re very physically attractive but your mindset and behavior isn’t. What do you think is going to happen? There’s a possibility she’ll play with your yogurt slinger once or twice but once she realizes she doesn’t “feel” anything with or for you, onto the friend zone you go. Looks only get you so far and the same goes for money, fame, status, and the ability to be a smooth talker. On the other side of the coin, let’s say you’re an ugly dude and people gasp and cover their children’s eyes when you walk into the place, your mindset and behavior can make you 10X more attractive! Mindset and behavior overcome your physical shortcomings. If you don’t believe me, think about an ugly girl you met and you were like, “Yeesh! I wouldn’t touch her with my worst enemy’s dick!” BUT, as you got to know her and realized she’s actually pretty cool, you caught yourself looking at her and thinking, “Well, maybe if nobody knew I’d take that pound town…” Then, as you got to know her even more, something started happening and you actually began to feel ATTRACTION for her! All of a sudden she doesn’t look so bad, huh? All of a sudden that paper bag on her head isn’t a requirement, huh? You can’t figure out why you’re feeling different about her but YOU ARE and now you’re not even embarrassed about liking her. You’ve been there! Don’t even deny it, dude! Women experience the same thing when your face looks like a chewed up bag of beef jerky but your mindset and behavior is so attractive that it overrides everything else. An attractive mindset and behavior is TOO POWERFUL FOR ANYONE TO IGNORE!

Getting Out of the Friend Zone Means Doing Things Differently Instead of Trying Harder

If what you’re doing isn’t working, TRYING HARDER IS NOT THE ANSWER! Too many men are like, “Well, shit, I’m just gonna double down on what I’m doing and I’ll break through that wall.” Wrong.

The correct approach is:

  • Doing things DIFFERENTLY
  • Changing the strategy, mindset, and behavior
  • Doing what you’ve never done before
  • Doing what’s outside of your comfort zone

Einstein said “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” That’s also the definition of stupidity and ignorance. Wouldn’t you agree? A minor tweak to your approach usually helps your golf game, not your dating game.

Improving your dating life usually requires:

  • A major overhaul to your mindset and behavior
  • Throwing out the nonsense that has left you in the trenches and being brave enough to learn new things and try them out
  • Not being afraid to fail and screw up over and over until you get it right

I mean, shit, you’re already getting it wrong right now if you’re in the friend zone! How could things possibly go more wrong by trying some new things? They can’t.

To help you get your brain out of your butt and start to do things right with women, here are the top 10 rules to follow when getting out of the friend zone. These 10 rules change your mindset and behavior, change your situation, change the way women see you and feel about you, and, ultimately, change their mind about what kind of “friend” you are.


1. Accept You’re Actually In the Friend Zone

If you think there’s no way any woman would friend zone you and she’s just a bitch for not wanting you as more than a friend, then you are sadly confused, my guy. You’re radar needs some calibration.

What do they say in these AA meetings or drug abuse meetings? Not that I would know personally, but they say admitting your problem and accepting it is the first step to fixing it and becoming better, don’t they? Well, if you’re in the friend zone, you have a pretty serious problem, don’t you? You have a giant problem and the first step is to admit to yourself, “Hey bro, we fucked this one up pretty good didn’t we? Damn, we gave this one a 100% effort when it came to screwing it up!” You have to admit what the problem is and what mindset and behavior led up to it. If you’re not sure exactly what you did wrong, that’s why you do research to figure it out. Google it or watch YouTube videos. There’s more information on the internet than ever before. Once you figure it out, then you need to admit to yourself, “Yup. That, that, and that is how I messed this thing up and this problem is my fault, not hers.”

99.9% of the time, the friend zone isn’t a coincidence and you’re not lucky enough for this time to be that .01%. She’s fully aware of where you stand with her and anything she says to make you feel better about it is actually just to make HERSELF feel better. That doesn’t make her a bad person. It just makes her human. No matter how you look at it, ALL PEOPLE are a little messed up in one way or another.

Here is what you need to accept about being in the friend zone:

  • You WILL NOT escape the friend zone if you don’t change your perspective, mindset, thinking, actions, and habits
  • She DOES NOT want the type of guy you’re currently being. It’s not making her “feel” enough attraction
  • If you refuse to “change” because you don’t change for anyone, then good luck. Changing your mindset and behavior to get better results in your life doesn’t make you a fake little bitch. It makes you a smart person who adapts to positively change their situation. The most successful people adapt to have and keep the upper hand in all situations. Instead of assuming you know what women are looking for in a guy, maybe you should observe, take notes, and make adjustments

You must also accept that problem is not:

  • Women not appreciating a “great” and “nice” guy like you. You know why you think women should “appreciate” a guy like you? Because you have a big ego. Your mom told you too many times what a sweet, perfect, and nice boy you are and now you actually believe you’re special. Being special isn’t working very well right now, is it? Your ego will always create more problems than it solves.
  • Your “competition” out doing you. Your “competition” is not other men, jerks, and “bad boys”. She’s not consciously choosing one person over another. She’s only responding to the person who makes her feel the most attraction.
  • Your version of the world isn’t working the way it’s supposed to. If you’re living in some fantasy land where women are “supposed” to behave in a certain way because that’s what you learned from your dad, brothers, or ignorant friends, then you’re really in trouble. Quit being angry about women not fitting into your “mold” and, instead, study their behavior and ADAPT your own mindset and behavior to get results with them.

2. Stop Putting Her on a Pedestal and Obsessing Over Her

Obsessing over her and putting her on a pedestal pushes you so deep into the friend zone that even a search and rescue team won’t find you. 99 out of 100 women will tell you that, at first, putting them on a pedestal is a little cute and flattering but then it becomes straight up annoying and repulsive. The 1 out of 100 women that doesn’t mind being put on a pedestal is the one that threatens to kill you and boil your dog if you ever look at another woman or think about leaving her.

She won’t think you’re a bad guy if you stop putting her on a pedestal and being really nice. The opposite happens – she likes you even more! She’ll appreciate you for it because, deep down, she’s sick and tired of men sucking up to her, seeking her approval, and showering her with compliments. She sees it as weak and wimpy behavior. When you’re actually different and she sees it’s not fake, she relaxes, drops her guard, and it’s easier to move the relationship in the direction you want. Ever wonder why she’s so into the guy who’s a jerk even though he’s not as nice as you? It’s because of what he’s NOT DOING! She doesn’t feel repulsed and uncomfortable with him the way she does with you because he’s not displaying the weak and wimpy behavior. Interesting change of perspective, isn’t it?

The more you obsess over someone, the more of your personal power you give to them and the more personal power you take away from yourself. If she’s on your mind the second you wake up, every minute of every hour of every day, and you’re constantly staring at her pictures on social media, IT’S TOO MUCH. Tone it down, bro. Pull back. Distract yourself. Become busy. Create some goals and work towards them. Quit being weird, pathetic, and lame. Instead of obsessing over women and placing your goals and happiness on the back of another person, obsess over yourself. Think about YOU and YOUR LIFE when you wake up. Every minute of every hour of every single day, think about how to improve your life and what needs to be done to reach your goals. Become too busy to obsess about her. Delete her photos that copied from her social media. Stop stalking her online to see what she’s doing, where she’s at, who she’s with, what she’s posted, or who she’s talking to. Stop talking about her and asking about her. LEAVE IT ALONE. Women like you 10X more when you’re about yourself and not all about her.

When you’re all about her, she runs away. When you’re about yourself and making yourself happy and improving your life, it pulls her in like a magnet.

YOU are the most important person in your life and no woman EVER wants you taking value from yourself for her unless she’s psychotic.

3. Stop Stressing Out

The best way to handle ANY problem is to remain calm and think through it without impulsively reacting. Losing your head and becoming emotional never fixes the problem but, for most of us, that’s exactly what we do. We obsess over what we did wrong, what we could’ve done better, that we ruined it, etc. Chill the freak out, bro! Stop giving a shit about all of that. It doesn’t change what has already happened! Real quick, I’m an Aircraft Mechanic, I drill holes through VERY expensive aircraft parts, and from time to time, I screw them up and drill holes in the wrong place, make the hole too large, damage the part, etc. Do I freak out? No. Why? Because I know it’s going to happen, I don’t really give a shit, and freaking out tells the boss I’m weak and inexperienced. Not what I want. That’s the attention that gets you fired. I stay calm, clear headed, and tell the boss about it and we assess what went wrong, how to fix it, and what I can do better in the future, and WE MOVE ON! I forget about it and push forward. I’ve messed up hundreds of parts but if you ask, I can only remember like two of them because they were very very expensive and the boss actually was pretty pissed.

When she’s not responding positively, she’s being weird, and you realize you’re in the friend zone, freaking out isn’t an option. Getting angry is not an option. Becoming a victim is not an option. Being nervous and weird around her isn’t an option. You only make yourself look weak and unstable, draw negative attention to yourself, destroy your chances with her, and become less and less attractive as relationship material.

You probably don’t know this, but, if you ever find yourself in quick sand, which you probably won’t, the first thing you’re supposed to do is relax. If you’re panicking, kicking, and going crazy, you’ll only sink faster and you’re less likely to get out. The more you relax, lean back, and make focused and precise movements, the more likely you are to quickly and safely remove yourself from it. It’s the same concept when you’re in the friend zone. If you panic, freak out, and go crazy, the worse you make it for yourself. On top of that, the more she sees you freaking out and being a little bitch about it, the better she’ll feel about not being in a relationship with you.

Getting upset, not being able to keep it together, and showing her you’re emotionally weak about being in the friend zone gives her power over you. It communicates to her she owns you and you’re in her back pocket. As soon as that light bulb goes off and she realizes where you stand with her because you’re acting all weak and needy, you’re done. She doesn’t want to date anyone who acts like that. She doesn’t want to date anyone she has power over.

HERE’S THE SECRET: The fastest way to get her attention is to be cool NO MATTER WHAT. As if nothing bothers you or gets under your skin. As if you don’t give a shit about where you stand with her. When she realizes you’re not all about her and her behavior doesn’t affect you AT ALL, she’s start to gravitate back in your direction.


4. Stop Giving a Sh*t

Men who give too much of a shit about everything and everyone around them usually don’t get what they want with women and in life. I know it because I’ve seen it and I’ve done it. They want everything in their life to be perfect. They want everyone to think and behave the way THEY DO. They care too much about how people act, what people are into, what people do, what they say, and so on. They care too much about things that don’t affect them. If they have a problem they can’t control, they’re angry that they can’t control it. They allow every little thing and person around them to irritate them and rob them of their happiness and peace of mind. This mindset doesn’t keep women around and if it does, the woman you attract will probably be just as cynical, biased, and closed-minded about everything as well. Not a fun relationship to be in.

You’re more likely to keep women around and to stay out of the friend zone if you stop caring so much about everything. I’m not talking about just not caring at all. You still have to care about the things that push your life in a positive direction, make you more attractive, and keep everything together and running smoothly. For example, I’m one of those guys who simply doesn’t care but, at the same time, I care A LOT. The difference is that I care about my own shit. I care about the things that actually make my life better. What I don’t care about is what other people are saying and doing. If it has nothing to do with me, it’s a waste of my time to worry about it. If it’s within my control, I handle it. If it’s not, I don’t waste time caring about it. When it comes to how women feel about me or what they’re doing, I could literally give less of a shit. If she calls or texts, cool, but I don’t care either way. If she starts seeing other guys, I wish her luck and happiness. If I meet her, take her home, and then don’t hear from her, it was fun while it lasted. If things are great and I somehow wind up in the friend zone for a reason I don’t understand, again, I’m whatever about it. I know what to do to get out of the friend zone and if it works, great. If not, we probably weren’t a good match to begin with.

It’s important to understand that giving too much of a shit about what she’s doing and why she’s doing it only robs you of your power and WOMEN ARE CRAZY ABOUT THE GUYS WHO CARE THE LEAST. She doesn’t care about the guy buying flowers, dressing up, and treating her like a princess. She cares about the guy who doesn’t show up on time, doesn’t buy her shit, and doesn’t treat her special at all! It makes no sense but that’s the way it is so accept it. Think I’m wrong? Stop giving a shit starting from right now. Stop giving a shit when you talk to women. Stop giving a shit about when you text them back. Stop giving a shit about how she feels and something “magical” will happen – she’ll start showing more interest! Well, it seems like magic but it’s not. Just simple psychology and human behavior.

When she talks about other guys or it seems she’s seeing other people, don’t show that you care. Don’t get weird and jealous. Don’t let it bother you. If it does bother you, don’t let it show. She’s used to guys getting bent out of shape over EVERYTHING she does and when she sees you, literally, don’t seem to care about anything she does, she will think about you more and want to spend more time with you. Show her you’re different by not caring as much as the other guys she meets.

5. Stop Being Emotional and Revealing Your Feelings

You go from boyfriend material to friend zone material when you allow yourself to become emotional, open your mouth, spill your guts, and reveal what’s really going on in your mind. Telling her how you “feel” does not fix attraction problems! On paper and in the movies, it makes perfect sense and always works but, in real life, it always fails, makes everything worse, and you wind up looking and feeling like an idiot. OK, I’ll level with you. Let’s say that, hypothetically, SHE WANTS you to tell her how you feel. Again, hypothetically. Do you think you’d be in the friend zone? Do you think you’d be confused about how SHE feels? You think her behavior would be sketchy and confusing? It wouldn’t be. Again, women’s actions reflect what’s happening in their mind and if she’s somehow disguising her actions to hide what she’s thinking, which never happens, she’s insane. Like, Lifetime Movie insane.

If she isn’t going above and beyond to show you she likes you and communicate how she feels, then keep your trap shut, dude. Seriously. Even if she IS telling you and showing you how she feels, move forward with caution. Only match what she’s putting out and never go beyond it because you may say something that’s beyond her comfort level and you’ll make her uncomfortable. Women won’t tell you this, but MOST PREFER not to know how you truly feel until they’re comfortable hearing it from you. When they’re completely comfortable hearing it, they’ll let you know by telling you how they feel, showing it, and bugging you to tell them how you feel. If you’re not seeing the signs, zip it, play your cards close to the chest, and don’t reveal too much of what you’re thinking.

What do you think would happen if the head coach of the team just walked over to the other team and handed them the playbook? Think they would win? No way! The other team now has a MAJOR advantage! The same thing happens when you tell women how you feel thinking it’s going to solve your attraction problem. Not only did you make it worse but now she knows she has you in her back pocket and she can toy with you and play you like a puppet. You just gave her an incredible amount of power over you! When you allow her to express herself and how she’s feeling FIRST, it gives you more power to attract her and have the relationship you actually want with her.

Women have great intuition and they know when you’re about to say something stupid because you’ll say you want to “talk” or something else really “serious”. So, she walks over to the friend zone door, opens it, nicely listens to what you have to say, and when you get all weak and emotional and make things weird, she replies with, “Aww, that’s so sweet!” and then she kicks you back in, you tumble backwards down the stairs, she slams the door, and locks it. All you hear is the echo of her high heels fading away in the distance.

Here’s what you keep your mouth SHUT about:

  • Telling her how much you like her
  • Telling her how wonderful and perfect YOU THINK she is
  • Telling her how lonely you are
  • Telling her what you’re thinking

Stick to the 50/50 rule: Never reveal more than she reveals. If she tells you she “likes” you, you reply with, “I like you too.” If she says she misses you, you reply with, “I miss you too.” Etc. NEVER, ever, take it farther than she does. EVER. Never “one up” her when it comes to emotional matters. Let her be the emotional one and you be the laid back and cool one who can handle anything happening within and around him.

6. Quit Being Her Girlfriend and Her “Best Friend”

This is the worst form of friend zoning yourself because you’re LITERALLY friend zoning yourself!

Never attempt to get closer to her by being her “friend”. It’s cowardly, weak, manipulative, and fake. Either you like her or you don’t but don’t be fake to make her more comfortable. Have the mindset of, “Hey, I like her and if that makes her uncomfortable, not my problem. I’m not a wimp and I’m not going to hide it.”

Don’t attempt to get closer to her by:

  • Listening to her “guy problems” and “being there” for her
  • Going shopping with her and pretending to have similar interests
  • Holding her purse or watching her stuff while she dances with other guys
  • Giving her relationship advice and pretending you’re fine with it
  • Letting her use you as a taxi and an ATM
  • Constantly agreeing with her and saying, “Gosh, I know right!”
  • Inviting her to have a “friendly” cup of coffee when you really want it to be a date

It’s 10X more effective to say and you get better results with, “Look, dude. I’m not interested at all in being your girlfriend or just your friend.” It’s ineffective and idiotic to tell her, “I’m glad we’re such good friends and we get to spend so much time together”. Fuck that noise, bro. My mindset is, “I only want to spend time with her if she’s into me, I get to have sex with her, and we have some sort of understanding or relationship going. Otherwise, I can spend time with myself, amigo.”

When you’re honest about your intentions, one of two things will happen:

  • She’ll be totally cool with it and roll with it
  • She’ll reject it because that’s not what she wants with you

Either way, friend zone avoided. If she rejects what you want, you can hold your head high and maintain your dignity knowing you did the right thing, you were true to yourself, and you didn’t bullshit anyone. You weren’t fake and manipulative to weasel your way into a relationship.

Ignore what the movies try to trick you into believing. Women don’t magically fall in love with their best guy friend because he’s always “there” for her. Although most women genuinely appreciate you being there, it doesn’t build the attraction you’re looking for. It doesn’t make her see you and want you as a lover she wants to be naked and sweaty with.

7. Stop Texting and Calling Her So Often

The minute you stop calling and texting so much, she notices. It creates a blip on the radar. You’re interrupting the pattern that YOU created. Once she notices the interruption, she starts thinking, wondering, and becoming curious, “What’s up with this dude? I haven’t had to ignore his calls and messages in a week! I kind of miss him leaving voicemails that I don’t listen to…” Jokes aside, it catches her attention and that’s what you’re trying to do.

Why keep doing something that isn’t working? Remember, we already talked about this, don’t try harder; try something different. Different gets you noticed.

Ever move into a new house and you hear noises you aren’t used to? You hear them now? Nope. You know why? Because your brain automatically tunes them out! It’s the same with women. They tune you out when you predictably text and call. When the noise stops, she notices. Now, instead of paying attention to the others guys blowing her phone up, she’s paying attention to guy who isn’t – YOU. Sound too good to be true? Then I’m positive you haven’t tried it.

Most women obsess over the guys who don’t call or text as much and ignore the ones who don’t leave them alone.

If you want to drastically change the attraction and get out of the friend zone, stop calling and texting so much and see what happens. If you’re worried she’ll forget about you, you’re just straight up desperate and naïve. Bless your heart, child. Not calling and texting as much isn’t rude and inconsiderate. She won’t be worried sick that something happened to you. She won’t flip out and be mad at you. That’s your logic speaking and it’s usually wrong when it comes to women.

GET HER ATTENTION and interrupt the “friend zone pattern”. When she stops hearing from you, you now have her attention more than you normally do.

8. Stop Making Your Interest Overly Obvious 

Simple truth – women are always more interested when you don’t show too much interest. Weird, I know, but true. The key is to show enough interest to always be friendly and cool with her and just enough to communicate you’re interested in being more than friends, but not so much that she has you figured out. Not so much that she knows for sure how much you like her. Leave room for her to wonder and be curious. Leave room for her to ask herself, “Does he actually like me, or not?” If she can’t figure it out completely, she won’t lose interest. In fact, she’ll keep on coming back for more and more and more because she enjoys the excitement and anticipation of not knowing for sure. How do I know this? Oh, I’ve only had a dozen or so women explain to me word for word what was happening in their mind when I was doing this EXACT THING to them. In fact, I have no friend zone problems because this is what I do with every single woman I meet that I’m interested in. I’m cool, friendly, polite, and interested, but I don’t announce exactly how interested I am. I WANT them to think about it. I WANT them to wonder. I have to keep them off balance.

My friend Megan, a horse trainer, told me something super interesting a few months ago. She said if you want to keep her interested, you have to keep her off balance the way a horse trainer keeps the horse off balance. If the horse is allowed to gain its footing, it’ll get too comfortable and cocky and kick the trainer off or become disobedient. BUT, if the horse is constantly off balance, it’s depending on the trainer to keep it’s footing. That way, the horse can’t get too comfortable and take advantage of the situation. Keeping her off balance is never letting her know for sure what you think of her or how interested you are. Always keeping her guessing. Never letting her think she has you wrapped around her finger, has you in her back pocket, or has power over you.

If she’s never sure of how interested you are, she will never friend zone you.

Stop being so transparent. Stop showing her your cards. Stop handing the other team your playbook! Stop giving her this incredible power over you! The more power she has over you, the more power she has to reject you. Something you’ll learn in my book How Attracting Women Really Works.

9. Allow Her to Think About You and Miss You

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. True, unless you’re a school teacher or a boss! Hahahaha am I right? No? Anyone…? OK…

When you quit calling and texting and showing so much interest, you’re giving her a gift other men never give her – the opportunity to miss you, think about you, and wonder about you. To feel the void left by your absence. SHE WILL APPRECIATE YOU FOR IT.

Is it easier said than done? Yes. Is it 10X more effective? Definitely. Does it make her think you’re a jerk? Maybe. But, do women respond better to jerks than overly nice guys who call and text too much and show too much interest? Most of the time, absolutely.

Again, you’re interrupting the “friend zone” pattern. Before you know it, she’s missing you, wanting to talk to you, and wanting to know how you’re doing, what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with.


10. Become More Challenging – Make Her Work Harder for Your Attention

Let’s make it simple and keep it real for this last one. Most of the time, you end up in the friend zone because she KNOWS WITHOUT A DOUBT that she can have you any time and any way she wants. That she can snap her fingers and you’ll come running like a little puppy. There’s no challenge. There’s no chase. There’s no mystery. There’s no excitement, anticipation, and fun. There’s no wondering if you like her or not. There’s no being frustrated at you because she can’t figure out how to get more of your attention. It’s all just way too easy. You agree? If not, think about this: If she wasn’t thinking she had you in her back pocket, she’d be calling you back, texting you, going out with you, and showing more interest and you wouldn’t be reading this right now. Right? You wouldn’t be frustrated that you can’t get her attention. She friend zoned you because every single time you see and speak to her, you’re just laying it all out there and being too easy and boring. You’re texting and calling too much, showing too much interest, and not giving her space. That behavior doesn’t create and keep attraction. It doesn’t make her crazy about you. It doesn’t make her talk about you in a good way to her friends.

Ever notice that guys who talk to other women, have a girlfriend, or are married get more attention from women? Ever notice she’s way more interested in the guy with more female options and doesn’t settle for just any woman? Why do you think that is? Because HE’S NOT AS EASY. He’s almost untouchable. He’s harder to get. If you haven’t noticed, just open your freakin’ eyes, dude and start paying attention. You’ll learn a lot from observing women’s behavior around men and then thinking about why they’re behaving that way.

Do you have to be hard to get? Not really. But, you do have to quit being so easy. You have to quit meeting women, getting excited, and asking them to move in the next day. Quit wanting to spend every single day together from the time you and her meet. Quit calling and texting every 2 hours to check on her or to let her know you’re still around. Quit thinking she’s your girlfriend and you’re special because she kissed you or slept with you. We’re not in the 50’s anymore. Times have changed. Women are more casual now about a lot of things. If she wants to get serious, just be cool, chill out, keep yourself together, and she’ll talk to you about it if the attraction is still there. There’s no need to be pushy or have any kind of agenda. There’s no need to have a talk with her about “taking things to the next level”.

Just chill out, lean back, be whatever, and see what she has to offer before you decide to lay your cards on the table.

Conclusion – These 10 Rules Maximize Your Chances of Getting Out of the Friend Zone

Look, being in the friend zone is bullshit but you put yourself in it. It’s what happens when you’re not direct enough about your intentions, you don’t know how to cut the line and move on, or you’re being fake and trying to manipulate her into liking you. You’re trying to “backdoor” your way into a relationship. Don’t be that kind guy. That kind of guy is a cowardly weasel who’s not worth any woman’s time long-term. That’s the kind of guy who has non-stop problems with women and in life. You have to accept that there are certain rules that actually work to stay out of the friend zone and decide you’re going to put your emotions and feelings away and follow those rules so you can get the results you want. It’s that simple, dude.

These 10 rules maximize your chances of getting out of the friend zone and staying out of it in the future. Incorporate them into your thinking, behavior, habits, and personality and when you meet women, being only friends with you is the last thing they’ll be thinking about.

When women say you’re “just a friend”, come back to this, read it again, take a good look at yourself, assess what you’re doing wrong, and make the appropriate changes. Don’t make it more complicated than that. Don’t try to find what SHE is doing wrong. That’s not how it works. If you think something is wrong with her, then drop her and move on. But, if that’s not an option for you, then change what you’re doing and try again.

Thanks for reading,

– Marc Summers

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The Science of the Friend Zone

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31 Comments on “How to Get Out of The Friend Zone – 10 Smart Rules to Follow

  1. The best I can hope for with any woman is platonic friendship because I do not have what it takes to be sexually attractive to anyone. This has nothing to do with my physical form, state of health, education, career, finances or life balance. I have all of this in droves as well as many women friends. I’m 43 and have never been on a date or had sex. I have never expressed romantic/sexual interest in anyone because there is zero possibility of any woman feeling the same way about me. Friends keep telling me that I need to tell women I’m attracted to how I feel. If I sensed even a miniscule possibility of them being interested in me, I’d do what it takes to communicate my feelings. But I never get that feeling. So, I never say anything and watch as women I’m interested date other men. I do not have what it takes to compete with other men for women’s interest so there is no point trying.

  2. I have been friendzoned more times than I can remember. Your article makes a lot of sense. I am finally out of the friendzone and in an amazing relationship, but I could totally relate to alot of stuff you have mentioned here.

  3. Marc, thank you it’s brilliant and I especially appreciate that is not at all demeaning to women nor sexist.

  4. So what do you do when after pulling your self away and she now starts trying to find out why she hsnt heard from you … what road to take? I see now why i got in the friendzone lol im weak to tell her but im looking at these pointers and it seems like telling her makes u look weak or something … so what really is the best course to take

  5. I was talking to this girl for 8 to 9 months online on instagram and only have met her a couple of times just for few mintues and have seen each other almost daily , and i really liked her and i told her how i felt about her but she told me that she doesn’t feel the same and sees me as a friend , now i am just her friend and don’t know what to do? Should i follow these steps or what? Help me guys!!!

  6. After an year talking online on discord with this girl i met her in League of legends wich is an video game she is from England i am from Belgium i tried telling her i like her and even via an quote after time passes by i laid all my cards on the table and told her i wish could asked her out i would be there in England and she replies with, Jason you are a great guy and any girl will be lucky to have you. I do care about you too but in the same way I care for Zoe, you are one of my best friends and I don’t want that to change. Its also as you say the distance isn’t good either. And what I said the other night I’m not ready for any of that yet anyway. I’m very sorry if I gave you mixed signals in anyway. And I’m really really sorry if this hurts you, I really don’t want to hurt you at all…… can i still escape this over time maybe when i meet her in person?

    • I’ll admit it. I worshipped this girl. I met her online and we started talking. And we got into this weird zone where we were all kissy and sexy and throwing around I love you. But when I asked her out she said I was great and she was afraid shed mess things up if we got together. Skid ahead and everything was normal. Hell we were doing our usual thing when she interrupts and tells me we should just be regular friends. We talked about it and once again I worshipped her and praised her and told her how much I love her but she stood firm. But the problem now is, I know she still has feelings for me. And I still have feelings for her. And during our conversations she slips up on occasion and acts all lovey again and of course I do too. It’ll last like a minute. But out of nowhere it’s over again in the same minute it started. Well I decided to check out your article here and I tried something out. She said she was horny and she doesn’t know why and I, for the first time since we called things off, threw my inhibitions out the window and told her I was too and started seducing her. And it WORKED. I’ll take all advice you can give me your a fucking genius. I want to be with her officially. And I’m going to self improve, stop obsessing over her and getting all mushy with her, and just be confident with myself not for her, but for me. Is there anything else you can tell me? I do love this girl. And I’m man enough to say I could use the advice.

  7. Well, if a woman respects herself, pretending to not like her and that you don’t care will just turn her off. Only people with low self-esteem run after someone who is not mutually interested in them. Men, women – respect yourselves.

  8. I loved this list – it is actionable!

    But, I am a woman in the friend zone! …My guy and I have very close for years, totally innocently, but suddenly I realized I’d fallen in love, about 2 months ago. I told him as much, and slept with him once :-/ but he feels there is too much at risk to pursue anything romantic. (We live together as roommates and our families are super close; we are in our 30s & our parents grew up together; we’ve all spent every holiday together, always).

    He has cherished me every day since this happened 2 months ago – but he doesn’t cherish me romantically; which feels awful for me. I have blocked him on social media, i do not use our nicknames with him anymore, i no longer say “love you”, and have stopped hanging out w/him… because it kills me that he loves me – would damn near take a bullet for me – but f*cks women who mean little if anything at all. I don’t ignore him – we live together! but I shut down the unguarded & carefree vibe we’d always had…

    He notices my absence; he misses me; he tells me he loves and he shows me he loves me dearly – but all w/o sexual signals. After I created this space between us, he has doubled down on his workload – but I’m sure he has a list of women ready to f*ck him… (we’re both good looking and I could date easily enough, but I don’t want sex that isn’t ‘magical’ lol; sex with him felt magical, the one time… smh).

    I created space between us only 3 weeks go and he still insists on taking care of me around the house, even though i no longer tell him my schedule or my whereabouts or when i wont sleep at home… So he saves dinner for me, and does all of the handy-work and chores and calls me when i don’t come home… and even though I created space between us, I did offer to join him to visit his son in the hospital.

    I want him to embrace & celebrate the opportunity(!!!) to have all of me as a woman… any advice? 🙁 He and I grew up together, through thick and thin. Does it matter that I went to college and graduate school but he sees himself as uneducated and unpolished? i adore all of him, because he protects all of me…

    help me out, fellas!! 🙂

      • ty for responding! I am tempted to agree with you!

        My gf gave me advice that echoes the MLD advice here!!!

        1. I told him the truth very plainly. I said, “I know you don’t see me the way I see you, and that is ok! I am not in your life, in that way – and it is ok!” Then, I disappeared for a three nights w/o notice and I kept my phone off for three days. I disappeared from 12/5-12/8.

        3. When I came home he was so sad, and he asked why I hadn’t given him a heads up that I was heading out for a few days. So, I told him the truth, “I needed to figure somethings out.” and he said, “Ok, well are you feeling better? :)” and I said, “somewhat, ty, I appreciate u asking”.

        4. Then on 12/8, I blocked him on whatsapp; to have clear boundaries! (but I didn’t block him on my phone or on imessage – in case of emergencies! his son is in the hospital for a few days yet…)

        5. I wrote this first post on 12/11

        6. By 12/14 – after 6 days of being blocked – he found a way to speak up! lol!! He asked me to give him 2-3 months to find an apartment for us. (we’re living in my mother’s apartment! she lives abroad so we ‘rent’ her 2 BR Coop). He said he disrespectful for entertaining adult feelings for me in her home when we both moved in here with platonic & innocent pretenses.

        6. That point of view and resolve, is exactly why I care about him – so his logic made sense to me, lol.

        7. I still have him blocked on whatsapp – but he has been coming home early from work to hang around the house, and texting my iphone, and asking about what I’m cooking and what he needs to buy for our big Christmas dinner next week…

        SO i will continue to head the 22 suggestions offered on this list!! Thankfully, I was so rattled by the tension we had that it was authentic and helpful for me to create some distance and boundaries between us! i felt better once I drew a line in the sand w/o being melodramatic or flakey!

        Happy Holidays, y’all!

        time will tell! <3

      • P.S. – I don’t know 100% that he is sleeping with women – but he was a player in his 20s, he and I had sex only once – 2 months ago, and everyone has physical needs…

        So – I ordered some adult products and left the packaging boxes by the recycle bin.

        Therefore, no matter how this plays out, either I’ll be living alone and meeting new folks, or I’ll be patient and distracted while he makes good on his word…

        • If you really want him this might do the trick. But keep in mind he does the same thing to woman to stay out of the friend zone. Its up to you to get his “skills” to backfire. Also blocking him in anyway doesn’t work especially if you guys live together, unblock him from all social media For our experiments to work.

          The article has some good tips but here are the ones i feel are the most important ones.

          He needs to miss you so playing hard to get must be executed.

          You need to tease him a good example is while he’s eating tell him he has something on his lip as he’s trying to whip it off tell him “no more to your left, its still there, oh darn you made it worse” Try to tease him frequently.

          Show less interest. He has a son in the hospital i get it but you cannot care. He sleeps with woman who dont care about his kid. (Its your call but I would stop) Use short responses like cool. If he asks how your day was say “it was alright” dont let conversation drag from your part

          Allison this is what you’ll do to possibly get him.
          Get on bumble, tinder, pof, etc and start going on dates. Get dressed up dont tell him when you are coming back. If he asks where you are going just say “out”. Dating will make you more challenging and harder to get. Who knows maybe you’ll find someone else.

          Dont ask him how his day was unless he asks first, show lack of interest dont give him advice, if you have to channel it-its your call.

          Since you guys live together and sometimes have to eat together this is where TEASING can help. It can add balance to the other rules bends them but not break them. Teasing will make him see your mild dark side your sense of humor just as long as you don’t take it too far and make him cry just a teaspoon of teasing-ing here and there. Right before you go out on a date tell him “Hey did you see the eviction notice” he’ll freak out then say “apparently people complained about your music you listened to” after he sees you are joking smile and say hey you smell good by the way. Walk out. Always end it on a high note.

          The fact that you guys live together might make these instructions harder but I know you can do it. Good luck -Ariel

  9. Excellent list. I’m executing more than 3/4 of it since she asked for separation. It’s adding up on MY account, I’m significantly improving besides having always improved myself. The more powerful you become, the more you question if she’s still worth it.

  10. I wish I could’ve read this sooner before I messed everything up and getting friendzoned two days ago, I admit I was being too open and too submissive to her and placed her on a pedestal. Anyway, thanks for the advice, Marc, I really appreciated this piece and took time to read it from top to bottom. Gonna start applying this kind of mentality from now on.
    Again, Thank you.

  11. I have messed twice and as close as just this evening for the second time! I am better wiser but old habbits…. i will get to work !

  12. After reading all this info. I realized that its actually my fault for being too nice to my so called friend. We go to the gym together almost everyday before and we also go to the movies as well but everything stopped because she said I don’t let her finish when she talks, I don’t even do all these every time. Being too nice is also part of it too. She spoke about it indirectly. I do text her every 3 or 4 days, which might be one of the reasons why she avoided me and those reasons I mentioned above. So far , she blocked me on WhatsApp for 2 weeks now.we haven’t seen each other for 3 weeks. I’ll just have to let it go.

  13. That’s why I don’t want to fall in love and pursuit girls anymore. People are dishonest all the time. I don’t need any special person to be super dishonest about the most important things to me, which is my feelings. That’s just insane, pointless, garbage. I can sort all my physical needs with money, but my psychological need cannot be solved in this way you describe.

  14. I am a victim if most if the problems outlined I the write up and very much grateful for the advice given. Thank you very much.

  15. Wonderful advice,,I totally lost a girlfriend but never knew the cause,, to my surprise after going through this,,I’m now aware of what caused all that am grateful coz your talk totally describes the have been

    • After reading thisI realised I have been messing things up for myself all along, that shit is gon change right now cus I just got enlightened.

  16. WAooo,, it really worked,, thank you so much… guys get his audio books, and listen to them several times. Nail the relationship then .
    Most of the stuff in internet for attracting women is just garbage. I have not seen the material like here.

  17. This is very useful information that will definitely come in handy. Especially concerning a certain girl I have a crush on. Thanks.

  18. Excellent advice. I’ve learned a ton reading this column. I’m guilty of about 10 out of 22 with a certain girl. I know the challenge works because as soon as I become more of a challenge (quit texting, etc) then she shows more interest. Thanks.

  19. I’νe been surfing online mpгe than 2 hours today, yett I never
    found any interesting article liқe yours.
    It’s prеtty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all website ownerѕ and bloggers made
    good content as you did, the internnet will bеe a lot more useful than ever

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