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Being in a situation where she’s not calling and texting back totally sucks and I know exactly how you’re feeling about it because I’ve been there and dealt with it. If you need me to personally call you and help you through it, book some time RIGHT NOW on my personal coaching and mentoring page and we’ll work together to help you figure it out. Once I’m more aware of the exact details of your situation and what possibly could have went wrong, I can even help you construct some text messages to send to her so she’ll begin to respond to you again. If it requires you calling her and talking to her, I can tell you exactly what to say and not to say. Give it a shot. Book some time right now.
When She Stops Texting and Calling, It’s Easy to Freak Out
Here’s the truth about my experience with dating and relationships – women have quit calling and texting me more times that I’d like to admit and in hindsight, it’s always what I should have done vs. what I actually did. When you’re in the middle of her not calling or texting back and you haven’t heard a peep from her or she’s being really sketchy, an idea or strategy may sound good but after it’s all said and done, it’s easy to see why it probably wasn’t a good idea and how that thing hurt your chances with her and affected what she thought of you.
When she’s not calling and texting back and you’re confused and in your emotions, the part of you saying “don’t do that”, “stop”, “slow down”, and “take it easy” is always right. LISTEN TO THAT VOICE! Listen to that voice telling you you’re doing too much or you’re about to make yourself look and sound stupid. That voice is trying to save you, dude! Even if you don’t know what to do instead, just listen to it and pay attention to what it’s trying to tell you.
Since I’ve been in this situation a bunch of times, I want to share with you 15 things that I now do and EXACTLY how to avoid doing too much and putting yourself in an, even worse, position than you are now. These 15 things minimize the damage you may cause and maximize the chances that she’ll call or text you back.
1. Understand It Happens to ALL Men
It doesn’t matter who you are, what you look like, how much money you have, how much women like you, etc., eventually, and when you least expect it, some woman you’re interested in and getting to know will quit calling and texting you back, disappear, and get sketchy. Not only will she be acting sketchy but the whole friendship and relationship will get sketchy! Not a problem. If you expect sketchy or, at least, know it’s a real possibility, you’re less likely to freak out about it.
Like I said, at one point or another, every man will experience women blowing them off, ghosting them, and not calling and texting back. Whatever you call it, it happens to the best of us. There’s no need to act like a victim, think you have it worse than other guys, or single yourself out. It happens to ALL men and if it hasn’t happened to you yet, it’s going to so don’t get too cocky and arrogant about it.
2. Understand IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY She Stopped Calling and Texting
When women aren’t calling or texting back, the first thing most guys do is freak out and obsess over WHY she’s not calling or texting back. Instead of wasting your time and energy and getting all emotional seeking an answer that doesn’t make a difference, the correct mindset to have is, “It doesn’t matter why she’s not calling and texting back. I need to figure out WHAT TO DO AND NOT DO in this situation so I can begin to fix it instead of making it worse. So I can take steps in the RIGHT DIRECTION instead of the wrong one.”
Most guys waste so much time and energy and put tons of emotion into crying about the situation but the smart thing to do, something most guys DON’T do, is to stop, take a time out, give themselves a break, and figure out an effective course of action that will lead to the results they’re looking for.
In the article I wrote before this one called 21 Reasons She Stopped Texting and Calling, I explain the most common reasons women quit calling and texting so you can get some “closure” about the situation and a better idea as to why it’s happening. But, here’s the most important part about all of that, It doesn’t really matter WHY she stopped calling and texting. It doesn’t change ANYTHING. All that matters is knowing WHAT TO DO about her not calling and texting back and the proper attitude and approach to have towards it. Most of the time, if you know why, it’s just going to piss you off about it even more! Sometimes not knowing is definitely better.
Knowing WHY she isn’t calling and texting back doesn’t matter because it doesn’t give you more control of the situation or make her reappear. Forget about “why”!
3. Don’t Give Away Personal Power
Here’s something you need to remember for the rest of your life – in any situation, the calmer you remain, the better it works out.
A MAJOR ingredient in attracting women and keeping them attracted is not giving your personal power away through freaking out, getting emotional, and crying about things you don’t control. When she’s feeling any kind of attraction and getting a major brain boner for you, keeping your personal power for yourself magnifies and multiplies those intense feelings. When you start getting emotional and acting mentally and emotionally weak because you don’t understand why she’s not calling and texting back, then you’re throwing your personal power in the garbage. If she actually sees or hears you acting this way, which you better make sure NEVER happens, then you’re killing the attraction and there’s NOTHING she can do about it.
When she’s not calling and texting back and you freak out and call and text way too much, you’re inadvertently giving away your personal power. The personal power YOU NEED to continue building up any attraction she’s still feeling for you and to rebuild any attraction you’ve lost through mistakes.
Think of the personal power you feel when she calls, texts, and communicates with you on a regular basis – you’re calm, confident, and feeling great! Now, think about how you feel when she stops calling and texting – you feel weak, lame, and powerless. YOU’RE ALLOWING the situation, and her, to drain you of your personal power. She’s not taking it – you’re GIVING IT AWAY because you’re not controlling yourself and emotions! Once the power is gone, you’re, literally, powerless. You gave away what you needed to rebuild the attraction and fix the situation, dummy!
The more you remain calm and do your best to relax, the more clear-minded you’ll be and the less likely you’ll be to give away your personal power.
4. Calm Down, Stop Freaking Out, and Don’t Make Any Snap Decisions
When you notice a definite change in the way she’s talking to you, treating you, and acting towards and around you, it’s totally natural to become emotional and think, “Something’s really wrong here and I need to do something about it RIGHT NOW!” Bad idea. That’s a snap decision and it always makes things worse. It’s a decision made without taking the time to sit back, take a deep breath, look at the situation from a bird’s-eye view, and try to understand what’s happening in her mind. What could have led to her act this way. It’s a decision made without retracing your steps and figuring what, if anything, you possibly did to cause her sudden change in behavior.
Although it’s almost always easier said than done, the ONLY THING you need to do in this moment is take a deep breath and be cool. Again, it’s critical to remain calm when things are looking sketchy and it’s equally as critical not to communicate that you’re freaking out and losing your mind. Don’t show it and, definitely, don’t open your yapper and tell her. If she sees you freaking out, it can make her think YOU’RE sketchy and unstable.
Those who get the best results in any situation understand how important it is to remain totally calm and collect during times of high-stress.
The last thing you want to do is make decisions or take action when you’re full of emotion. Emotions aren’t good decision makers. They lead you to failure and whatever decisions you make when you’re full of emotions YOU WILL REGRET THEM 100% of the time. No matter how much “sense” it makes to you at the time, if you’re too emotional and have too much chaos happening in your mind, it won’t go the way you think it’ll go and you’ll put yourself in an, even worse, position than you are now.
When the emotions are present, RELAX AND DON’T DO ANYTHING until the emotions have died down and you’re thinking more clearly and logically.
5. Avoid Jumping to Conclusions
It’s NEVER smart to make decisions or take any kind of action when you’re emotional simply because you’re less logical, less grounded, and more out of touch with reality. You only want to come to conclusions when your mind is clear and you’ve had time to correctly and accurately analyze and process ALL of the information surrounding the situation. If you haven’t given yourself enough time to chill out and analyze and process all of the information but you’re still assuming and making snap decisions, then you’re jumping to conclusions and, most of the time, the conclusions you jump to are way off target.
Don’t try to become a detective and “figure it out” by messaging and questioning her friends. Don’t try to “solve” the problem by stalking her and snooping through her stuff. Just leave it alone, give it time, and, eventually, the information you were looking for will come out.
6. Be “Whatever” About It
Something else much easier said than done is being “whatever” about her not calling and texting. Your mindset needs to be, “Whatever… there’s nothing I can do about it right now. I just have to be cool and wait until I hear something back.” and the reason this mindset works so well is because it helps you to calm down and relax instead of pulling your hair out and driving yourself crazy.
The “whatever” mindset doesn’t work if you’re all bent out of shape and emotional about her not calling and texting but you’re telling yourself, “Whatever man! I don’t care. I don’t give a shit! It’s whatever, man!” What I’ve noticed about people and human behavior is those who walk around with their middle fingers up in the air and talking about how they don’t “give a fuck” are the ones who care the most. The ones who truly don’t care and have the “whatever” mindset are the ones who don’t feel the need to announce it in any kind of way. They’re just doing it.
The “whatever” mindset only works when you’re actually focused on other people and things and giving your energy to them. You can’t be “whatever” if you’re crying into your pillow about it at night. You can’t be whatever if you’re constantly talking about and then saying, “I don’t care anyways.” The “whatever” mindset is when you put it completely out of your mind and you tell yourself that you’ll come back to it when new details or events unfold. Until then, it’s “whatever” because you have a lot of important stuff going on in your life and to focus on instead.
The men who are the most successful with women are the ones who are calm, cool, relaxed, and “whatever” about everything.
The men who get the best results with women don’t let anything get under their skin and they’re able to wait ANYTHING out. They always have multiple things in the oven, meaning they have more happening in their life than just the woman who isn’t calling and texting back, and they aren’t going to focus all of their time and energy on how unfortunate the situation is. They’re just “whatever” about it because they realize it happens to all men, there’s not much they can do about it, and life is too short to become unhappy about one person acting sketchy.
Yes, it can be extremely difficult to detach your mind and emotions from this person during these stressful times, but IT’S POSSIBLE AND EXTREMELY NECESSARY to do. Self-control and emotional-control are critical when you aren’t sure of what’s going on or when she’s going to text or call back. The more you think about when she’s going to call or text back, the more you will drive yourself crazy and cause yourself to suffer.
Instead of choosing to suffer, simply make up your mind that you’re going to be “whatever” about it because you have more things to focus on in your life than just the one woman who’s ghosting you. If you don’t have more going on in your life and this event trumps everything, then you need to get to work on making things happen for yourself. This book that I wrote will help you get there. It’s called Declare War on Yourself. Get it right now and read it.
7. Understand You Can’t Control What She Does
She’s going to do what she’s going to do and THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. It’s wise, mature, and admirable to understand and accept this. It’s ignorant and moronic to think it shouldn’t be this way. If you’re saying, “She should…” and “It’s not fair!” or “I can’t believe someone would do this!” then you’re lost and you clearly don’t have enough experience interacting with women and other people. It’s clear you need to snap out of it and learn the way the world really works and how people really behave or you’re going to continue getting shitted on for the rest of your life.
You can’t control women through your thoughts and emotions, telling them how their behavior makes you feel and why it’s wrong, or by calling and texting over and over until they cave in and give you what you want.
YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF and how you allow these situations to affect you. The only way to have more control over dating and relationship situations and women’s behavior is by controlling your own behaviors and habits and knowing which behaviors and habits get the best results. The more favorable your behaviors and habits are to women, the more they’re going to act and respond the way you want them to. The better you conduct yourself, the better your dating and relationship situations are going to be.
You don’t get results by “hoping” and “wishing” she acted the way YOU want her to. You get results by controlling and engineering your own behavior.
Give up your desire to control her actions and reactions. Let the chips fall where they may and work with what you got. Again, the more control you have over your own behavior and habits, the more the chips will fall where you want them to but they will NEVER fall exactly where you want.
8. Don’t Blame Yourself
It’s usually not all your fault when she stops calling and texting. But, even if it is, it doesn’t matter. Who cares? Be “whatever” about it. You made a mistake. LEARN FROM IT AND MOVE ON. Blaming yourself and feeling sorry for yourself doesn’t change the situation and it’s not THAT big of a deal.
The “I’m such a screw up” mindset is weak and it doesn’t help you attract women.
The mindset that attracts women is when you screw up and you nonchalantly say, “OK, I made a mistake. Big deal. I understand what I did wrong and it won’t happen again. Let’s move on from it.” Nonchalant means you’re “whatever” about it. It’s not a big deal to you and you’re not going to get bent out of shape about it.
When you make a big deal about something, regardless of how big it REALLY is, other people make will make a big deal out of it. When you’re just like, “OK, it happened. Whatever. It was a mistake. Let’s move on.”, then others are more likely to think, “You know what? He’s right. It was just a mistake. What am I freaking out for?” In other words, most of the time, people you’re dealing with will mirror your emotions regardless of the situation.
Lose the “What did I do wrong” and “I’m such a screw up” thoughts.
Develop the mindset of, “I’m not exactly sure what happened but I’m not going to waste time and energy trying to figure it out. I’ll just wait until she gets back to me or I’ll simply move on from it.”
If it actually IS your fault but she’s being dramatic, hysterical, and immature about it, then rise above the situation and realize you don’t want to be with someone like that anyways. Just because someone else is calling you a screw up doesn’t make it true.
9. Be Patient
Men who get the best results with women can wait for ANYTHING. If it takes her weeks, months, and even, a year to call back, it’s not a problem.
Get good at the waiting game and always do your best to be cool about it. Women get into emotional funks and sometimes they “need time” to process their thoughts and emotions. Does it mean it’s fair that you have to wait? No. Not at all. A lot of the time it isn’t fair and it’s completely rude and inconsiderate. But again, what are you going to do about it? Chastise her and make her feel guilty? You’ll only make things worse. If you actually believe she’s worth your time and energy, then all you can do is be patient while she’s doing whatever it is she’s doing.
Stop thinking about how long it’s going to take for her to call or text back. It doesn’t matter. Put those thoughts out of your mind. It’s like watching the hands move on a clock – it makes time go by slower.
Patience can really make the difference between her sticking around and running away. Even if you’re impatient, don’t show it. Be cool about it.
10. Stay Busy
Want a shortcut? Focus on other things and other people. Meet some other girls and talk to them. If that makes you feel guilty, then find some other things to do besides occupying your mind with someone who doesn’t value you enough to get back to you.
It’s easier to be patient when you’re occupied with goals, tasks, and activities. Doing nothing while waiting for her to call and text back is the last thing you want to do. Find things that soak up your time and, before you know it, a week has gone by and she’s starting to reach out to you again.
I’ve personally noticed that I’m happiest and in my “whatever” mindset the most when I’m very very busy. Not just busy doing meaningless tasks that don’t make a difference, but busy moving towards something bigger than me. Something that’s going to improve my life and the life of people around me. When you’re busy doing that and focused on things that give you a sense of pride and confidence, then you don’t care as much about waiting on her to get back to you. In fact, and I’ve had this happen before, you’re so busy that you completely forget she hasn’t gotten back to you! That’s not a bad thing. A busy man who’s working towards big and life-changing goals is the type of man that women don’t ignore. Don’t believe me? Do it and find out for yourself.
11. Stop Being Paranoid
When she’s not calling or texting back, it’s easy to take something small and insignificant that you did wrong, blow it up, and make it worse than what it is. It’s easy to think that one little thing is the reason she’s not getting back to you. When we can’t figure out why she’s not calling and texting back, we obsess over that one little tiny thing we did wrong. I know because I used to do it and 75% of my personal coaching clients say, “Well, there’s this one little thing that happened and I think that’s why she’s not getting back to me.” They obsess over that one little thing and convince themselves that she’s not getting back to them because of that one little incident.
Stop doing that. Here’s the way I see it – if you did one little thing wrong and she decides to stop calling and texting, that’s completely her problem and she’s doing you a major favor. Imagine if it didn’t happen early on and later in the relationship, when she’s actually your girlfriend, she wants to break up or she completely ignores you because of one little thing. It’s going to be a lot worse then. Or imagine if you’re MARRIED to her and she wants to get a divorce and take half of your shit because of one little thing. That’s going to be 10 times worse and bigger problem than it is now! If she doesn’t want to talk to you because of one little thing you think you did wrong, good riddance. You dodged a bullet, buddy, and saved yourself a lot of frustration. The type of woman you actually want in your life is a little more forgiving and flexible.
It’s completely fine if she’s picky about little things and it doesn’t make her a bad person, but let her pickiness and stubborness be another man’s problem and headache.
12. Avoid Calling and Texting Over and Over
If you overdo it with the calls and texts, she’s going to get annoyed and you’re ruining your chances of her getting back to you. It doesn’t matter how you’re feeling and how important you think your feelings are, there’s no justified reason to call and call and call or blow up her phone with text messages. If you’re thinking it’s going to help the situation, you’re wrong. It’s only making it worse and killing any attraction that remains.
Calling and texting too much doesn’t communicate to her how much you “care” about her. It only communicates how much patience and self-control you DO NOT have.
It communicates you’re needy, selfish, and controlling, you’re only thinking about yourself, and if she were to get into a relationship with you or marry you, how childish you would act if she didn’t get back to you. I know it sounds harsh but it’s the truth. Think about it – when you give her time to call and text back and you’re calm about it, it shows restraint and consideration for her. It tells her you’re not a maniac. But, when you blow up her phone to get her attention or to prove a point that you’re not going away, it shows her you’re selfish and not the type of guy who can handle stressful situations effectively.
When you’re not being a psycho weirdo and she doesn’t hear back from you either (because you’re playing it cool), it catches her attention and piques her curiosity. Her mind goes crazy. She wonders, “What happened to that dude? Is he still interested in me? I haven’t heard from him at all. I hope he hasn’t moved on. I’m going to text him.” When she reaches out and you’re totally cool about it, it begins to rebuild the attraction, if any was lost in the first place, and the connection you once had begins to regrow.
13. Lose the Victim Mindset
Let’s be completely clear: YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM because she’s not calling or texting back. The situation isn’t victimizing you in any kind of way. It’s all in your mind, dude. It’s time to man up and become more mature about it.
The reason most men feel victimized when she isn’t calling and texting back, and the same reason they blow up her phone like a crazy person, is because they’re not getting what they want and they’re throwing a temper tantrum like a child. People who even entertain the idea that they’re a victim or have the victim mentality are most likely those who have always gotten whatever they wanted from mommy and daddy or grandma and they can’t handle rejection and hearing the word “no”. Whenever they were told no, they threw a fit and made life chaotic for everyone around them until they got what they wanted. I’m sure you know someone like this and maybe it’s your sibling or, even, YOU. This is not OK.
You’re acting like a victim because you actually believe it’s “unfair” that she’s not getting back to you. You actually believe that you have some kind of moral supremacy or upper-hand on her and you’re a better person than she is. You tell people, “I would NEVER do that to a girl I was talking to because that’s just totally messed up!” I know how it works dude because I’ve been there. I’ve been down that rabbit hole of weak-mindedness and there’s nothing to be gained from it.
Here’s the truth about it – she’s a grown woman and she’s free to do as she pleases. There’s no written rule in the book of dating and courtship that says she’s obligated to return your texts and calls. That’s the hard pill you have to swallow. Once you begin to accept that there are no rules in this game of love, dating, and relationships and chaos can ensue whenever and however it wants to, then you will begin to see it differently and respond to it in a more mature manner. You won’t be bothered by it because it’s something you expect can happen at anytime.
It’s one thing to have the victim mindset about her ghosting you but it’s even worse to play the victim AND guilt trip and shame her for not calling and texting back. That’s just another level of being the kind of wimpy jerk that women do not like at all. Again, she’s not committing a crime and victimizing you in any way by not returning your calls and texts. There’s no need to become a vindictive tyrant about it. No matter how good life is, SHITTY THINGS HAPPEN TO EVERYONE and it doesn’t make you a victim. It doesn’t make her a bad person if she doesn’t feel like calling and texting back.
14. Keep Your Standards High
If she’s ghosting you and lacking the decency to call or text you back, even to let you know she doesn’t want to talk to you, then make the conscious decision not to waste anymore of your time on her. That level of inconsiderate should automatically be below your standards and completely unacceptable. Not because you’re some high and mighty “Golden God” like Dennis calls himself in the TV show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” or you’re better than everyone, but because you have a set standard on what you will and will not accept from those around you. Because protecting your sanity is highly important to you.
When your standards are well-defined and you don’t deviate from them for any woman, regardless of how hot and sexy she is, it becomes easier to cut the friendship and relationship off and move forward with no regrets. You do it without thinking and it’s easier to say, “Ahhhh, I don’t like that shit. Knock that off or go do that around some other dude.”
Standards protect your self-esteem and your confidence. Anything below your standards takes away from your happiness and peace of mind and changes the way you feel about yourself. That’s why it’s BELOW or outside of your standards. Your standards are the invisible wall that keeps everything you don’t like and doesn’t make you feel good out of your life.
So when it’s obvious that she’s deliberately not calling and texting back and you don’t like the way it makes you feel, that’s a clear sign her behavior and the way she’s treating you is below your standards. That should automatically start the dialogue in your mind that says, “I’m better than this, I deserve better than this, and I’m not going to waste my time on any woman that makes me feel this way.”
15. Respect Yourself
When you tell yourself, “I’m better than this, I deserve better than this, and I’m not going to waste my time on any woman that makes me feel this way”, it’s a sign that you respect yourself, at least a little bit. You’re not being like the men who completely dump their self-respect and trade it in to get the attention, approval, and love of some woman they barely know.
Just like your self-esteem and personal happiness, your self-respect should always be more important to you than any woman or any relationship. If she’s behaving in a way that completely violates what you believe in and she keeps doing it regardless of how it makes you feel, that’s when you choose your self-respect and happiness over her. This may sound extreme and it’s possible you may disagree with this but how many people do you know or have you seen that are in unhappy and unfulfilling relationships that they can’t get out of because they ignored the bells and whistles going off in their head telling them that something was terribly wrong and it’s violating what they truly want? Don’t be that person. Respect yourself enough to stop investing too much time, energy, and emotion into someone who’s making it obvious that you aren’t as important to them as they are to you.
Self-respect draws that hard and clear line between “this is great” and “this is complete bullshit and a waste of my time”. A shortcut I’ve learned from experience is when something makes me feel like I’m wasting my time, I’m right 99% of the time and if I allow it to continue, I’m not being fair to myself. I’m disrespecting myself. In hindsight, it made perfect sense to get out of it the very minute I felt I was wasting my time.
Have self-respect. Don’t allow women to waste your time by ignoring you. There’s no need to announce, “Hey, you’re wasting my time. So long loser!” You don’t have to say anything. Just quit reacting to it. When a lot of women see that you don’t play those games and you’ll drop them faster than they can blink, it’ll be a wake up call and signal that you don’t waste your time on women who don’t respect you.
Self-respect always comes first. Only give your attention to those who respect you and your time.
When she’s not calling or texting back, the very best thing to do, and the thing that has worked for me dozens of times, is to keep your head on straight and remain balanced. Remain calm. Remain “whatever, I’m cool” about it. Don’t do anything too far on either end of the spectrum that gives away your personal power. Don’t get all depressed and throw a pity party and make her feel sorry for you and, at the same time, don’t get angry, act like a douchebag, and guilt trip her about it. Be cool. Be sane. Don’t jump to conclusions and turn into inspector gadget investigating everything she’s doing. Just leave it alone and don’t put yourself in an, even more, compromising position.
When enough time has passed, if it seems she has completely forgotten about you or moved on, don’t continue to lower your standards and place yourself further beneath her. She doesn’t deserve that power over you. Keep the power to yourself and use it to attract other and more considerate women. Have the mental fortitude to move on and forget about her. Dwelling and hanging onto the hope of being with someone who clearly doesn’t want you is the definition of suffering. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself well. Don’t waste your time, don’t be unfair to yourself, and don’t disrespect yourself.
I wish you the best of luck. If you need personal coaching to help you get through this situation, go to my personal coaching and mentoring page, book some time for us to chat, and I’ll be glad to help you get through it. Thanks for reading.
– Marc Summers